Framing Statement #1

Moving from the short story start into my first draft of this story I was focusing the most on how to lengthen it and what to have happen in the story. I did not really have a plan on where the story was going, I just kept writing down my thoughts and ideas. After the first draft was done, I realized there was a lot going on in my story. It made sense to be, probably because I wrote it. During the peer edit session, I realized how confusing it was for the reader and that I was going to have to change the organization of a lot of things. This was stressful as I didn’t know what to do exactly to have it make sense logically and keep my ideas and tension I tried to create.

Moving from the first draft into the mezzo draft, I took all my peer editors’ thoughts into consideration. Often when I have done peer editing groups in the past, I have not agreed with a lot of the edit’s from others. These edits however really helped and were focused on making my story make sense. The most challenging part to edit was my flashback scene, as I first had it starting with “six years earlier” and realized that did not correspond with Iris’s age and it was a distraction from the story. I tried to separate it by having a part one and part two which I think worked better, but was still not ideal.

Moving from the mezzo draft into the revised draft, I had all my peer edit’s and your edits which helped me figure out what I needed to do for this story. I learned that I needed to introduce the parents to the reader in the beginning before just adding them in at the end of the story. I also learned how to have my flashback scene without any obvious breaks such as parts or years earlier. I made it so that Iris’s mom was dreaming of the time when the scenario happened which I think worked okay. I also identified who/what Fin was at the beginning, which took away the mystery I wanted to have but made it make more sense. I made sure to keep the good imagery that I had while trying to make what was going on more obvious.

I think my story really improved from the first draft from that last, but it could still get better. I feel like I had a really good short story start which my peers also enjoyed and wanted to learn more, but I was unsure where I should take it further and it got pretty confusing. I have not written much fiction at all, so I think this was a good start for me. In the future, it might help if I have more of a plan at the beginning and organize my thoughts better before I create the story.

Poetry Exercise #3: Framing Statement

I am proud of all the poems in my portfolio, but one of my favorites was Bread and Butter Pickles. I enjoyed writing this poem and think the outcome was successful as it has deeper meaning than just the making of pickles. I remember not being sure about what to write about for the Bread poem because I couldn’t think of a specific recipe, but I do have fond memories of my mom canning and freezing the food we grow in our gardens. I did not originally plan for the analogy between the pickles and love for my mother but it came about once I suggested that nestling the seeds in the ground which made me relate it to the way she used to tuck me in. In the workshop process, my peers said this poem had good imagery and liked the mother analogy. I did not have many revisions for the beginning of the poem, but changed quite a bit in the bottom half of it. This process made me realize that you can have multiple different ideas in a poem, but they should still fit the theme of the poem so that it doesn’t stick out.

The reason I did not change a lot about the beginning of my poem is that I like the way it sounds as is. I tried moving lines around, such as putting, “it starts out in the garden” as the first line, but I didn’t like the flow of it. I debated getting rid of the last line, “the way she used to tuck me in” but I think it’s a good introduction and wanted to keep something that explained the poems intentions because I got rid of “in a shirt that once was mine” and “as they are fragile like me.” The third stanza got a lot of revision because the original line, “like papers on a busy college student’s desk” was clunky and didn’t match the theme of the poem so I took out the word college and eventually changed the line altogether into, “ready for their transformation.” My peers also suggested to space out the last section to improve the flow of the poem.

I debated keeping the very last line but once I realized the idea was already portrayed throughout the poem I got rid of it. This was when I started to see that there were easy ways to bring the poem from telling to showing. From reading it over many times, I found words that just seemed to be extra so I weeded them out. I’ve never revised a poem with this much thought before this class but it made me realize that you can leave a poem alone, but in some ways it is never completely done. Even looking at it now I’ve changed a word and thought about how I could change things around. I’m going to give this poem to my mom and as she’s written poetry her whole life. I wonder what parts she’ll like and if she will make any suggestions for it. 

 

Bread and Butter Pickles (Early Draft)

By Alaina Duchin

 

When my mom makes pickles,

vinegar steals the air like a sponge absorbing water.

It starts out in the garden.

She buys the seeds and nestles them in the ground

the way she used to tuck me in.

 

She waters them and cares for them

as they will give back to her one day.

Summer slows down and it’s time to fetch

the loved canning jars from the basement

where all the extra things go.

 

Cucumbers line the countertop

like papers on a busy college student’s desk.

I sit across from her and watch as her

strong hands slice the glossy green cucumbers

so delicately, but not too thin as they are fragile like me.

 

In a shirt that once was mine

she fills the large metal bowl with the thin green circles

that we’d use on our eyes to renew ourselves.

Meanwhile the stove is topped with the big pot of

boiling water that magically seals the lids of the cans

so they can linger in our dusty basement.

 

Then when we’d have Shepard’s pie or something

that needed extra love then one of us would go down

to get the delicious pickles-

and they are so good that half the jar would be consumed at once.

And they are so good that I never want to be too far away from her.

 

Bread and Butter Pickles (Final Version)

By Alaina Duchin

 

When my mom makes pickles,

vinegar steals the air like a sponge absorbing water.

It starts out in the garden.

She buys the seeds and nestles them in the ground,

the way she used to tuck me in.

 

She waters them and cares for them

as they will give back to her one day.

Summer slows down and it’s time to fetch

the loved canning jars from our dusty basement,

where all the extra things go.

 

Cucumbers line the countertop,

ready for their transformation.

I sit across from her and watch as her

strong hands slice the glossy green cucumbers

so delicately, but not too thin.

 

She fills the large metal bowl with green circles

that we’d use on our eyes to renew ourselves.

Meanwhile the stove is topped with the big pot of

boiling water that magically seals the lids of the cans

so they can linger as I grow.

 

Then when we’d have Shepard’s pie

or something that needed extra love,

one of us would go down to get the delicious pickles-

 

And they are so good that half the jar would be consumed at once.